


The Girl With The Bandaged Eyes

by amaranthine_enihtnarama



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adorable Armin Arlert, Angst and Tragedy, Death-related Powers, Don't Examine This Too Closely, F/M, Family Dynamics, Father Figures, Father-Daughter Relationship, Friends to Lovers, I Tried, Major Original Character(s), Near Death Experiences, Nerd Armin Arlert, Platonic Relationships, Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Sad and Sweet, Skeletons In The Closet, and i miss him :(, i dunno how i'll even explain Miloh's abilities in relation to the SNK canon now, i just wanted to write something with levi being a father figure cause i'm soft, makeshift family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-11-28 13:31:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18208952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaranthine_enihtnarama/pseuds/amaranthine_enihtnarama
Summary: Miloh Ferreria has always been strong. She survived in the underground, navigated a miserable life at Madame Benoite's Orphanage For Girls, and now has survived the fall of Shiganshina. To make it this far, she's relied on two things: her instincts, and her eyes, which have the innate ability to cause the death of anyone who looks at them, and anything she looks at. Time passes, and she and her friends join the Cadet Corps. There, news of her special ability reaches the Scouts, and she winds up under the tutelage of the famed Captain Levi and under the wing of the very strange Captain Hange Zoe. As Miloh begins to learn to wield her power, open up to others, and finally live like a normal girl, how will she face the challenge of survival again when the Colossal Titan returns, and more importantly when she finds herself being hunted by mysterious pursuers after the power of her deathly gaze?





	1. The Fall

**_Chapter One: The Fall_ **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _"I've never seen myself. Not clearly, at least. The only memory I have of my reflection is in a cracked, filthly mirror deep in the shadows of the Underground. I only know my hair is dark, and my teeth are white. But I've never really seen myself. Then again, with these bandages wrapped tightly over my eyes, I've never seen much of anything. I only know the darkness behind my eyelids. You'd think a life in darkness is empty, but there are many things that filll the gap. The smell of flowers flooding my nose, the sounds of birds singing their morning songs, the sun kissing my skin in the summer and the snow's icy cold temperature biting at my fingertips in the winter. I can't see the world, but I can feel it in a way that I can't explain. Not with words. I feel it all within me...life,death, everything. But...that day...all I felt was terror."_
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> I woke up this morning with a terrible migrane and an upset stomach. This wasn't new though, I'd had terrible health for the entire week so far, along with terrible nightmares. Dreams of blood flowing through the streets, the screams of children and the ground shaking harder than any earthquake. I'd been keeping it to myself, though. This morning we had a large breakfast of fruits, eggs, bacon and toast. Then, we had cake. I forced myself to eat it all. 
> 
> I wasn't particularly excited that I was turning ten today, I knew Madame Benoite would do the same routine. She'd have us all go out to the park, where we'd have a picnic the consisted of dry cupcakes, sour oranges and questionably moist sandwiches. It was nothing more than a display saying _'oh, look at me!!! i'm taking care of the cripples and rejects!!! validate me!'_ Madame Benoite was a self-absorbed, neglectful woman. I remember one time I was cleaning the bathroom and I heard Adelaide crying. Apparently, Madame Benoite was too special, too regal that she couldn't bother to help bathe Adelaide, a seven year old girl who was paralyzed from the waist down because she wasn't finished with her cigarrette. When Adelaide begged for her to hurry she put of the cigarrette on her arm and claimed to go get bathwater. I remember drawing warm bathwater and cleaning her off myself. She reeked of piss and shit as I helped her undress, Madame Boite didn't even help her go to the restroom. 
> 
> I was in the middle of my chores when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I whirled around, gripping my mop.
> 
> "Miloh, it's just me."
> 
> I relaxed and smiled. "Ada."
> 
> "Come with me to the attic?"
> 
> I hesitated. "I'm not done with my chores, you know how Madame Boite gets..." 
> 
> "It's your birthday, Madame Boite can go suck on dirty socks for all I care," Ada said with a quiet giggle. 
> 
> I shrugged, dropping the mop. "If you say so." 
> 
> Ada and I traced our fingers along the cracked walls, walking as quietly as we could. Eventually we reached the stairs and quietly climbed. We were halfway to the attic when I heard a loud crash, and Madame Boite yelling curses in French. I managed to keep myself composed, but Ada was struggling to keep herself from laughing. We quickly snuck up the attic as Ada giggled again, hearing Madame Boite storming up the steps as we got the ladder to the attic down. 
> 
> "Petite merde! Come back here and finish your work!"
> 
> I covered my mouth to keep from laughing as Ada climbed uo into the attic and I quickly followed, closing the door quietly. We held our breath as Madame Boite stomped past the attic, paused, then stomped back downstairs, yelling. I heard her voice through the wood. 
> 
> "Carolin! Get in the bathroom and clean up Miloh's mess!"
> 
> I let out a sigh of relief, standing up. 
> 
> "Close one," Ada said softly. "She almost discovered our hiding spot." 
> 
> I opened the attic window, the cool air clearing out the stale air in the room. I sat down next to Ada, who was humming softly. Ada Ingeborg was two years older than me, and came from Wall Rose. She was born blind, something we technically had in common. She lost her parents in a robbery gone awry, and her only relative didn't want her, so she ended up here. Even though I'd never wish something so horrible on a living thing (not even a titan), I was glad she was here, because I had a friend. Ada and I got along well, she was a bit more reckless and adventurous than me, but we clicked very well. She stuck up for me, and took the beatings that came for it. We were family. I never told Ada about my eyes though, I made up a story about how they were extremely sensitive to sunlight and severely damaged. I just didn't want to scare her off.
> 
> "Okay, my present's ready." 
> 
> I heard the rustling of paper and held my hands out. She placed them in my hands and I felt it closely. It was a leather bracelet with some kind of metal plate. I felt that, and found it was written in braile. I smiled, trying to remember the words. 
> 
> _Kick life's ass. From Ada._
> 
> I chuckled. "Thank you, I love it."
> 
> "I'm glad you do." I could her the grin in her voice. 
> 
> I've always imagined Ada's grin as a crooked one that caused a mischevious look in her eyes, which she told me were hazel.  
> 
> "I'll be sure to kick life's ass," I said jokingly. 
> 
> A strong breeze blew through the window, tousling our hair. 
> 
> "You better."
> 
> ***
> 
> Around ten in the morning, Madame Boite dragged me into her room. I've heard lovely accents before, but hers was so jarring and excessive sometimes I wonder if she's faking it. Madame Boite talked out of her ass with her horrible accent as she tugged on my hair so hard I thought I would rip out of my scalp and forced me into various dresses until we found the perfect one. She kept droning on and on about how pretty I was while slowly but surely receeding my hairline with her wretched hairstyles. I knew the day was going to be awful when I woke up, but that really hit it home. 
> 
> We were soon paraded through the busiest streets of Shiganshina, Madame Boite presenting me like a shiny jewel. People whispered amoung themselves as we passed by. I already knew what they were saying. If there's one thing I could ever respect about Madame Boite, it's that she's phenomenal at faking normal human emotions like empathy and love. She does it so well, in fact, that no one knew the real lizard monster she was except for us. I was lucky, though. Madame Boite seemed to actually try to treat me better, even though we both know it's because she's afraid of my eyes. 
> 
> Eventually we reached the flower booth. I internally groaned as Madame Boite yelled.
> 
> "Miss Ingrid! Good morning!"
> 
> I lightly squeezed Adelaide's shoulder. "Showtime. You ready?" 
> 
> "Yeah, I'll just scream for help with my eyes," she said cynically. I think I rubbed off on her too much.
> 
> Madame Boite always made a point to show off Adelaide, because Ingrid was her aunt, and easily could have custody in a heartbeat. Ada nudged me in the ribs. 
> 
> "Now's the chance, go have fun."
> 
> I nodded. As Madame Boite showed off how healthy and well-fed Adelaide looked (thanks to the recently fired but lovely Christine) I made my escape, and snuck off to the only place I could find peace. I greeted some people along the way too, like Elizabeth, who baked small pasteries with overwhelming flavor and fueled my sweet tooth. I was just finishing off my Blackberry Button when I came across Aldofo's booth. I walked up to it with a smile.
> 
> "Hola, Aldofo."
> 
> "Miloh! ¿Cómo estás?"
> 
> "Miserable como siempre. ¿Y tú?"
> 
> "Estoy muy contento. El cielo tiene un azul muy hermoso hoy."
> 
> I heard a rustling behind his table and he placed something very cold in my hands. I knew it was jewelry since Aldofo sold his own handmade jewelry. But it felt familiar...too familiar.
> 
> "¡Feliz cumpleaños!"
> 
> "Gracias, Aldofo."
> 
> "Diez es una edad muy importante, sabes."
> 
> As Aldofo talked about how important it is to have an age with two number in it, I felt the necklace closely as something tugged at my chest. It was in the shape of a crucifix, with tiny metal beads as the necklace. My stomach flipped. 
> 
> "Es este... es de Papá?"
> 
> Aldofo fell silent for a moment. "Sí."
> 
> Aldofo and my father were close friends in the Underground. I never understood why, though. Aldofo was bright, optimistic and cheerful. My father was always pessimistic and extremely logical, which always made me question why he wore a crucifix to begin with. Aldofo escaped the Underground by enlisting in the military, but he didn't make the cut, mostly because he stopped trying when they started training witht the 3D Manuver Gear, and decided to continue selling his jewelry like he did in the Underground. 
> 
> "Me dijo antes de morir que quería que lo tuvieras cuando era el momento justo."
> 
> When the time was 'right', eh? Sounds nice and cryptic, exactly like Dad. I figured someone had stolen Dad's crucifix when I found him. Nice to know I was wrong. 
> 
> "¿Necesitas ayuda para ponerlo?"
> 
> I shook my head. "No, puedo hacerlo yo mismo. Gracias tío Aldofo, que tengas un buen día."
> 
> "Lo haré."
> 
> I gave him a smile, and continued on to my quiet spot. When the smell of flowers and grass hit my nose, I began to take off my bandages. This place was practically empty all day, and ever since I became able to control my eyes enough to prevent them from killing plants after several months of practice and headaches, I could enjoy the vibrant greens and purples of the field as I laid under trees and looked at the clouds. 
> 
> I knew I would itch later, but I laid down in the grass, looking up at the sky. Aldofo was right, the sky was a pretty blue today. I was accostumed to nighttime mostly, but it was nice to see how alive the world was when the sun came out. I put on Dad's crucifix as I began to yawn. Maybe I'd take a nap before I went back to the orphanage. I closed my eyes and my body began to grow heavy. I let out a content sigh as the sun warmed my skin like a blanket, and I began to fall asleep. Maybe this day wouldn't be so bad.
> 
> ***
> 
> I woke up on my side, feeling well-rested. For once, I didn't have a nightmare. I dreamt of a cottage deep in the woods where a beautiful woman with long black hair took care of me and the girls at the orphanage. Ada and I were climbing trees and feeding deer with flowers in our hair. There were no titans, no walls, and most importantly, no Madame Boite. I rolled onto my back, staring at the cloudless sky. The wind was blowing leaves off of the trees, or maybe that was my eyes. 
> 
> I sometimes daydreamed of a life outside of the walls, where I lived with Ada and we were nomads, exploring the world. Sometimes I'd contemplate joining the Scout Regiment. I'd finally have a use for my eyes and have a purpose, a place to belong. But I knew it would never be more than a daydream, I'd die before I could even meet a titan's eyes. I stood, stretching. I took a moment to appreciate just how ugly my dress was and then started to head to the orphanage. Something felt odd as I walked back. Just...something in the air felt awry. My stomach churned as I began to walk slower, and an unexplainable fear sent a shiver down my spine as a chill came over my skin. I stopped in my tracks apprehensively. 
> 
> The sound of lightling striking pierced my ears as an explosion erupted, shaking the ground under me. I braced myself on a nearby building, griping the stone tightly. Sweat trickled down my back. People started talking around me.
> 
> "What the hell was..." 
> 
> "Oh my god!"
> 
> I couldn't take it. I ran to a secluded area and ripped off my bandages, looking to where I heard the explosion. 
> 
> "No..."
> 
> A titan stood over the wall, gripping it tightly. I shook my head, staring at it in bewilderment. It was skinless, its muscles and tendons grotesquely exposed under the sun. I froze. Another explosion. Terror washed over me as screams came from the distance. Something was very, very wrong.
> 
> "Ada," I muttered. 
> 
> I ran back to the orphanage as fast as I could, weaving through people and debris as the ground shook violently under my feet. I turned the corner, and froze. Bodies littered the street. My heart slammed against my chest as my eyes laid on the demolished orphanage, crushed under rocks with stray limbs strewn around it. 
> 
> "Ada..." I said, my voice shaking. 
> 
> I wanted to check for her. Maybe she survived, maybe she escaped. My legs moved on their own as I stumbled over to the crushed building. Flies were already buzzing around it and the smell of death flooded my nose, making my head spin. There were pools of blood in various areas around the orphanage. They were all dead, every single one of them. I knew that Madamr Boite would have them back by now, she wouldn't bat an eye at leaving without me. I fell to my knees. Adelaide, Ada, Greta, Mary, Henriette, Rose, Hanna, Jasmine...
> 
> "Oh _god._..Freya..."
> 
> Freya was the youngest out of all of us, and we worked together to protect her from Madame Boite's abuse. We made a pact to raise her together since Madame Boite was a "shit sandwich of a lady" in Ada's words. A whimper escaped from my lips as all of it finally seemed to wash over me like a tidal wave. Freya was only four. Henriette wanted to be a seamstress in Wall Sina. Ada wanted to see the world. Hanna and Jasmine practically raised us. They were all gone. Every single girl, every personality, every dream...gone.
> 
> A heaviness grew in my chest. The market...Elizabeth... _Uncle Aldofo_... 
> 
> I could already see his bloodied corpse in my mind's eye. I fell to my knees, gripping Dad's crucifix. The tears began to well in my eyes. They were gone. Everyone was gone. Taken out of my life in a mere instant. The ground shook behind me. My legs buckled as I saw a pair of glazed hazel eyes in the rubble. 
> 
> "A...A..."
> 
> I couldn't form words. The hair rose on my arms as a wave of sickness washed over me. I turned around, seeing a titan looming over me. The air began to feel static around me and I felt this...this electric current coursing through my skin, my muscles, my entire body. My eyes stung painfully as tears streamed down my face. 
> 
> "Ad...Ad... _AAAAAGH!"_
> 
> A guttural scream came out of my mouth. I felt this fire being stoked deep in my stomach. Emotions flowed through my body uncontrollably. I trembled as I screamed at the titan who only stood there, mezmerized. I could kill it. I could kill it where it stood. But it was so large...
> 
> _"Die!"_
> 
> It stared vacantly as my eyes blurred with tears. I wiped them away, determined.
> 
> _"Die!"_
> 
> It stumbled backwards, making a distressed groan. I glared, my heart slamming against my chest. I'd never felt so much power, so much _control_ in my entire life.
> 
> "Die."
> 
> It let out a yell. I clenched my fist. I could feel it working, I could feel its life in my hands. I watched as it began to turn gray, yelling in pain. My eyebrows knitted. The ground shook violently as it tripped over its feet, falling to the ground. A surge of energy rushed through my body. My eyes grew wide in exhiliration. I calmed down, realizing I was hypervenilating. I grabbed Dad's crucifix, backing away. My eyes darted back from the orphanage to the titan. I looked around, seeing the silohuettes of titans throughout the town, as far as my eyes could see. Swallowing, I ran, a new kind of ache in my chest. 
> 
> As I ran past dismembered corpses and around destroyed homes, something stirred inside me. All of these defenless people...all of these lives gone so easily. Guilt ate at me as my mind drifted back to the titan I killed. No one else could do that. My mind raced when a Garrison soldier picked me up, calling for others to hold a gate open. I'd always thought of my eyes as a curse, a punishment from God. But as I raced through that gate and forced my way onto that boat, I realized something. God didn't punish me. He'd given me a key. These eyes were the key to my purpose.
> 
> I collapsed onto the wooden floor, exhaustion finally kicking in. Just as I started to relax, another explosion. I stood, adrenlaine rushing through my body. Was it that titan again? When I saw it, I swallowed. It was covered in armor, still in a running position. It broke the wall those Garrison soldiers tried to close. It _ran through_ the wall. Those soldiers were probably dead. The soldier that held the gate for me was dead. All of these people...decimated. They couldn't fight titans that were taller than walls, or titans that couldn't be stabbed or sliced. My hands balled into fists as the fire stoked deep within me grew. They couldn't fight. 
> 
> _I_ could.


	2. Chapter Two

**_Memento Mori_ **

I'd kill them. The Colossal Titan and The Armored Titan. I'd make them choke on their own blood. They'd pay for what they did to humanity. As I sat on the boat, that's what I decided. I get strong enough to kill them and any other titan like them. That's what I'd start with. For now, that was my mission. 

"I'll kill them all! Every last one of them!" 

Snatched out of my thoughts, I looked up to see a boy with tears flowing from his eyes. He glared ahead, gripping the side of the boat. I knew the look in his eyes. He'd lost someone too. I felt the dull ache in my chest again, holding onto the side of the boat as well. He suddenly looked over at me, as if sensing that I was observing him. The fire that raged within me was in his teary, vibrant eyes. I felt my eyes sting and quickly looked away, staring at the water.

I stared at my reflection, despite how much the water distorted it. My hair was curly. I had high cheekbones and dark, furrowed eyebrows. My skin was a pale brown, probably from being inside all the time. And my eyes were this...this mesmerizing purple. The color seemed alive in my swirling and pulsing. My head began to spin as nausea washed over me. I swallowed, looking away. At least it wasn't as bad as last time.

A gust of wind blew against everyone, blowing my hair in my face. The scents of blood, body odor and urine hit my nose hard. I grimaced, covered my nose and went back to where I was sitting. 

I kept my eyes trained on the wood of the boat until we got inside Wall Rose. I sat until everyone cleared out. I let out a heavy sigh and stood. I walked off the boat and slipped through the crowd, keeping my head down. I sat down in an alley, letting out a sharp breath. 

“Hey!”

I looked up to see the boy from the boat. He walked towards me as if he was looking for a fight. I stood, my eyes darting to the girl and a blond boy behind him. The girl seemed apathetic. The blond had a curious expression, but his eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. I quickly hid my eyes under my hair, locking my gaze onto the ground, watching as the weeds that poked through the cobblestone wilted.

"Eren, leave her alone," a female voice said. It must've been the black-haired girl. 

The boy stopped right in front of me, his breath sparse. I looked over to see his leather shoes through my thick curls. 

"You...you're that girl, aren't you?"

"That's a vague question." 

Another pair of shoes, another male voice. "You're that girl from the orphanage," he exclaimed. "The one with bandages over her eyes." 

"Armin, be careful," the girl urged. 

Armin didn’t seem to listen because he came closer. 

“Is...is it true?” 

“Another vague question.” 

“Well—you...you know what I mean.”

Armin leaned in closer, lifting his hand towards my hair. I tensed.

”Your eyes...do they really...”

I grabbed his wrist, squeezing it tightly before letting it go.

“Don’t,” I warned. “You’ll regret it.”

Armin swallowed and backed away. 

“Sorry.” 

I crossed my arms. “What do you three want?”

They were silent. Were they all really that afraid? I sighed, turning away. 

“Just curious then,” I muttered to myself. With a shrug, I stared to walk. “See you guys around.” 

I was about to leave the trio in the alleyway when one of them finally broke their silence. 

“Wait,” Armin called, running after me. “Please wait!” 

I could hear the other two protesting frantically as Armin reached out and grabbed my arm. I looked up at him in surprise. He gasped, eyes widening. I quickly diverted my gaze, gluing it to the ground. I heard his shaky breaths and felt his grip loosen. 

I’d felt it before. My eyes’ effect. Your body just shuts down. Everything feels limp and useless, and heavy...so heavy. Every pound of weight on your body suddenly feels like it’ll crush you against the earth. Your mind gets foggy, slow, weak.

That’s just a few seconds of looking, though. Any longer, and the pain would’ve kicked in too.

”What...” he uttered quietly. “What’s...your...”

”I’m Miloh.” 

His grip tightened as he steadied himself. I placed a hand on his shoulder, supporting his weight. 

“Armin!”

I heard the two run towards us. I gently settled him down against a wall as he quietly groaned. What the hell was he thinking, catching me off guard like that?Maybe he really was that curious. Maybe he had a death wish. After everything we just endured, I’d have one too.

”What the hell did you do to Armin,” the boy cried. “I’ll kill you!”

”Eren, stop it,” the same voice demanded. “She’s not even hurting him.” 

“He’ll be fine,” I assured. “It wasn’t a long enough look to do any real damage.” 

I turned to face Eren and the girl, and they took a step back. I sighed. The rumors must be really bad. I held my hand out, giving a poor imitation of a polite smile. I wasn’t really in smiling shape, after all.

”My name is Miloh,” I greeted. 

The silence was painful. I cleared my throat, trying again.

”It’s...nice to meet you...”

The girl stepped forward, shaking my hand. 

“I’m Mikasa,” she greeted quietly. “It’s nice to meet you, too.” 

She turned to Eren, who I was sure stared at me like I was a wild animal.

“Eren, be polite.”

”It’s...It’s...”

He swallowed.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he said quietly.

“You too.”

I heard Armin grunt as he got to his feet, putting his weight on the wall behind him.

“We’re...It’s...”

I quickly went to help him steady himself, feeling guilty. 

“My grandpa is getting us food,” he said, letting out a heavy breath. “He could get you some, too.”

My eyes widened. “I—uh—“

”I mean, you _do_ eat...right?”

I laughed a little at Eren’s seriousness.

”Last time I checked.” 

“Good, it’s settled then,” Armin proclaimed brightly. “You can come with us.”

My chest tightened. He reminded me of her. God, why did he remind me of her? A tiny smile came to my lips as tears formed in my eyes. I kept them from falling, squeezing my eyes shut. 

“Sure, why not?”

I wasn’t sure how long this was going to last. Eren was definitely terrified of me, and Mikasa seemed to not pay me any mind at all, but probably trusted me as far as she could throw me. And I literally almost killed Armin a few seconds ago. Maybe he really did have a death wish.

 Just as Armin said, his grandfather got each of us a loaf of bread. Everyone quickly devoured their food, but I knew it was better to make the bread last. I sat alone, ripping out chunks of bread and eating them.

Armin, Eren and Mikasa sat together, talking amongst themselves. 

I pushed my hair from my eyes, staring at the stars and the moon. It was a crescent tonight. I glanced over at the trio, but quickly turned my attention back to the sky when I realized they were staring at me. Shifting in discomfort, I tried to ignore the nagging sensation of their gazes on me. 

I was halfway done with the loaf when I suddenly couldn’t eat anymore. The stress must’ve upset my stomach. I still had the fear that I’d look up and that skinless face would be staring down at us again, and all would truly be lost. It wasn’t like the people of Wall Sina would even lift a single jewel-adorned finger to help such lowly refugees. I set the bread down, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. 

I just needed to clear my head. 

“Hi, Miloh.”

I opened my eyes, seeing Armin’s blonde head of hair in my peripheral vision. He sat down next to me. 

“I tried to get Eren and Mikasa over here, but they’re still scared of you,” he said shyly. 

“And why aren’t you?” 

He shrugged. “I guess...compared to a Titan, you’re not that terrifying.” 

I considered his words for a moment. A wry smile came to my lips.

“That’s fair.”

“Yeah, besides...they’re really nice to look at.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Your eyes,” he clarified. “They’re beautiful.”

I looked over at Armin in surprise, luck willing it that his eyes were directed at the ground, a sheepish smile on his lips. I felt warmth bloom in my chest as I looked away myself.

“Oh-Uh—“

I’ve never gotten many compliments before. It was rare anyone even really wanted to talk to me in the first place. I don’t blame them either, nothing about me really encourages social interaction. Warmth flooded my cheeks as I picked at my nails, staring at my hands.

“Thanks,” I managed to say quietly. 

“You know, there were a lot of stories about you back home. A lot of people said you were some kind of witch or something.”

”I didn’t realize I was popular.” 

He laughed, making me smile again. 

“I’m sorry about before, I usually have better impulse control.” 

“No, It’s fine,” he insisted. “I’m fine now, right?” 

I nodded. “If you say so.”

We sat silent for a moment, until he spoke again. 

“So...where are you from?” 

“The Underground.” 

That seemed to interest him, because he perked up.

“Really? What’s it like there?” 

“Kinda awful,” I said. “I don’t really want to talk about it.” 

“Right, of course, sorry.”

I ate some more bread, hoping I didn’t make things too awkward. I honestly wasn’t that good of a conversationalist either. Besides spending time with Ada I was kind of a loner at Orphanage, and there weren’t really many hangout spots for kids my age when I was in the Underground. I picked my nails again, finding solace in the nervous tick. 

“Uhm, where are you from?” 

I cut him off before he answered. “That’s a stupid question, you don’t have to answer that.” 

I thought for a while, staring at the moon. 

“Where are you going to go after everything settles down?” 

He turned to face me. “What do you mean?” 

“What are you gonna do,” I rephrased. 

“Oh...”

He was quiet for a moment before answering. 

“I want to explore the outside world,” he said with a wistful tone. “I want to see the ocean.” 

“That sounds nice.” 

“What about you?” 

“I’m going to join the Scout Regiment. I want to do some good.”

Armin didn’t seem to like my plans, because he immediately protested it.

”But it’s so dangerous! Wouldn’t you rather do something else?”

”There was a time I believed I could live a normal life. Get married, have kids, raise a family. I’ve learned my lesson since then.” 

We were very quiet after that. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, staring up at the night sky. 

“Eren wants to join the Scouts, too.” 

I remembered his rageful, teary outburst on the boat. I nodded. 

“I think you two will get along soon,” Armin said. 

I thought of his death threats earlier today with slight disdain. _Goody._

”You know, just because you have those eyes, it doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice the chance at a normal life,” he suggested. “You don’t have to join the Scouts.”

Ada’s eyes flashed in my mind, making my stomach churn. I sighed, staring at my hands again. The dull ache returned, and I balled my hands into fists. 

“I _want_ to, Armin,” I insisted. “Every path I follow in life is going have the shadow of death looming over it. No matter what I do in life, my future is drenched in blood and suffering, and it’s silly to think otherwise.” 

Something clicked inside of me as I spoke. The tears returned as emotion flooded through my body. All of the sudden, everything just began crashing down on me. My mind and body finally seemed to realize that everything was real, that this was my new reality: eating loaves of stale bread, finding places to sleep, and that the people that filled my life a mere hour ago were wiped from existence. I’d never wake up in that orphanage again, I’d never lay in the grass and smell those flowers again, and I’d never see any of the girls again. I closed my eyes, trying to breathe, but I couldn’t stop myself from trembling. 

“Are you okay,” Armin asked in concern. 

He reached out to hold my hand, but pulled back. I hugged my knees, hiding my face as tears spilled from my eyes. 

“I’m fine,” I whispered. 

I wiped my eyes with shaky hands. Armin watched me with worried eyes. 

“The Scouts...it’s the best I can do.”

I took a deep breath, running my fingers through my hair. I clenched and unclenched my hands, watching my hands shake.

“It’s the only choice I’ve got.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know of any possible typos and such, my brain turns to mush looking over the chapters so many times so errors slip past me. 
> 
> Also let me know what you think, and any possible plot lines or ideas you want to see! :)


End file.
